Since being diagnosed ADHD in march i’ve been on a bit of an up and down emotional roller coaster. “NOW WITH ADDERALL!” and bonus blood pressure medication. While I’ll admit that knowing has literally lifted a gray cloud from my eyes. Knowing is half the battle and now that I know I have this inattentive disorder I’m making an effort to change.
I have really great days and really shitty days. I’ve felt the low’s of my lowest depression but to be able to speak with friends and have them say “my friend is back” which makes me feel invincible.
My ADHD has made me feel isolated. There are few to no blogs or vlogs about black women with ADHD. I feel as if….I feel alone. While my array of friends and colleagues from all different backgrounds have admitted to some sort of adderall abuse in high school or college none of them actually have a diagnosis. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Adderall is not fun and it is not great for my body but my brain needs the kick.
I’ve lost weight and I’ve lost control which has turned me back to my restricting days of high school. The adderall has admittedly turned my appetite to shit but I’ve fallen out of love with the act of eating and fallen hard for the act absolute control.
The day has turned into a seres of scheduled alarms, vibrating phones and loud ass announcement of the time from my macbook. Because without it I would just sit here and get “lost” on the internet, scouring Facebook for whatever tickles my fancy, comparing my life to the lives of others. Possibly getting depressed and fixing that depression with online shopping. Before I know it, dusk has appeared and i’ve done…nothing. The nighttime is the worst. I stay up as late as I can watching TV or letting the TV watch me, whichever feels sexier at the time. Adult Swim is my BFF from 11pm-4am. It lulls me to sleep or keeps me entertained and distracted when the sleeplessness comes.
I listen to my heartbeat through my ears. I wheeze. I roll around on the couch. it gets too hot or too cold. I reenact confrontations in my head. I get mad about the same ol’ shit. I never cry.